I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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