ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
