Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
