My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
