So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
