Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
