The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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