You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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