No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
