i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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