I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
