Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
