I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
sarcasm needs its own font
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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