Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We're too hungover to prance.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
