you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
