you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
