I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
