the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
