I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
