You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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