3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This girl is more easily done than said...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
