I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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