Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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