Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
