I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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