I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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