If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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