Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
