I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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