remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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