You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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