dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
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Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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