i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
