you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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