I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
