I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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