Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
