I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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