You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
