sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
