Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
