ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
