you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
