Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
