No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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