I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
