Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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