Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
