A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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