I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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