Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
