She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
