My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
