My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
