just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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