Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
