Rock
Scissors
Fuck
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
