I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
