I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
