we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
